The hole in the Wall

Ever since the dawn of times, Holes have had the mystical ability to intrigue human beings.

They’ve both been the source of infinite pleasure and obscure unhappiness.

From the discovery that caves offer safety and shelter,

To the undeniable horrifying fate of narcissus drowning to his death in a pond. ( yes a pond is technically a hole filled with water and disappointment )

So I’ve got a hole of my own, a hole that has made me very curious. And you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat.

This hole is about to give me more surprises than those of Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck In Roman holiday. Just bare with me.

This was the kitchens chimney breast when we moved in.

Even with my attempt to lighten the room by hanging one of my paintings the room was still crowned by a pissy magnolia dreadfulness.

It started as something innocent. We moved in the house and our aim was to whitewash every room ,to start the decorating process from clean and light canvasses. But the hole was looking at me. the hole kept telling me,

Grab the hammer Ben,

just a little peek Ben,

Grave the hammer Ben…so

Inevitably I grabbed a hammer…..

Just to see what was in the other side……

and

bingo!!!! Ding ding ding ding

the original kitchen tiles were there waiting for me:

so as you can imagine I couldn’t stop myself and I had to open the whole thing up. testing the Carrara marble mantelpiece that Daniel got for my birthday last year I realised that something was poking through the rubble.

Something exciting

Something original

Something that is going to give us hours of joy ( polishing and cleaning it )……

Quarry tiles!!!!!

( yet again more destruction)

Yes, we have quarry tiles underneath the nicotine cream nightmare tiles!

I couldn’t be happier as we wanted to install them either way but it was going to cost and arm and a leg, and once again the gods were smiling at us……or so I thought.

( I had to lift part of the floor, to see what was the extent of the flooring,And I suspect that it goes all the way though around the kitchen )

Unfortunately working in your own diy brings moments like wanting to remove a blister. You know that you shouldn’t but you can’t resist and by the time it’s healed you have a scar, for being impatient and stupid.

But karma was about to pay me back very soon.

Some months ago I got a device that promised to create a wallpaper effect by using a paint roller and a round block printing roll. I have to say that the damn thing works as now we’re the proud owners of some arts and crafts stencilled wall.

But what dint know is that I was about to receive a visit from Bert, through the fireplace, creating the biggest mess known to man and destroying my blissful moment of self creative fulfilment by putting together a stampede of monumental proportions that would make the delights of any Jumanji fan.

I was painting quite innocently and then

snap!

the jobs a game ….

🎵and every task you undertake becomes a piece of cake….

till all the shit in the world drops down your chimney 🎵Yes dears,

Mary will re-enact the face I showcased when I saw all of this falling down the chimney on a cloud of dismay and retribution.–Needless to say that I didn’t touch a thing. I was washing my hands after painting wen I heard a noise, almost like the noise a corn silo makes when it’s being emptied, then turned my head and there it was, a pile of insulation looking at me.

The first thing that passed thorough my head ,being the drama queen I am ,is that this was 200kg of asbestos sent by Odin to kill me.

I really though that Daniel would find me in the floor like satine in moulin rouge thankfully the insulation is harmless and I just created unnecessary stress for everyone. It just took me 2 whole hours to remove it from the kitchen into the garden and clean the whole damn mess.

But as it was messy already I thought that I give a go at installing the marble mantlepiece.

The mess was already there so what was a bit more of dust in the big scheme of things?

And here it is in all its magnificent splendour £80 worth of Carrara marble. It was really the bargain of the year. Daniel bought it for me near Gloucester if I’m not mistaken.

( I’ll Have to fix the plaster and finish cementing the surround before we go on holiday…..hooray )

The idea with the fireplace is to build a massive plate rack with a mirror in the bottom.( an amalgamation of this this pictures together )

and to hand paint all the original green tiles with designs similar to those in the designs of William Frend de Morgan. so wish me luck and pray so I don’t get more surprises through the fireplace like 300kg of soot.